Sixteen Degrees to Reality

This was meant for only one pair of eyes, but how could other people
understand how love goes when I keep silent about it. I feel renewed.
For my friends, this is what happened to me, and you’ll never hear me
say another word about this again. Celebrate life.

June 16, 2007

I was always told to watch my mouth and say the right things at the
right moment; most of the time, my brain dominates my word. Today,
however, what’s left of my heart (if there’s any) wants to speak,
because it has been suffering silently and patiently. The least I can
do is let its sentiments flow through my fingers; after all, it has not
given up to live, and I am grateful.

It was not a coincidence you told me to buy two books. Both of them had
a woman who selflessly let go of the man she loves for a greater
journey, surrendering to a greater plan. This was from one of them, The
Alchemist:

"From that day on, it was the desert that was important. She would look
to it everyday, and would try to guess which star the boy was following
in search for his treasure. She would have to send her kisses on the
wind, hoping that the wind would touch the boy’s face, and would tell
him that she was alive. That she was waiting for him, a woman awaiting
a courageous man in search for his treasure. From that day on, that
desert would represent only one thing to her, the hope of is return."

I’m sorry for having said what I said last night, I’m not taking it
back. But I know you didn’t mean to be so. We didn’t mean for all this
to happen. We dance to the music of love, or disguise of it, like
puppets until our strings get tangled up and break.

You are my "fantasy." What we had was something real only when I had my
eyes closed. And I thank you for pretending, you always have the purest
of all intentions.

But if in some alternate universe where you can control the rain and
the moon never leaves, and what we had was faintly true, then… Nah…
It couldn’t be.

I miss you…

*****private*****

Remember that I was love. I am love. Infinitely stubborn, but
ultimately selfless. When you had no more tears, I cried for you. When
your heart crashed, I secretly gave you mine, which is why after
everything you’ve been through, you’re still capable of loving… Her.

But I will love you. If not with my heart, with my soul instead.

It was you who made me feel like this, with a higher sense and deeper
meaning. I can’t thank you enough for that. I wish everyone knew how to
love this way, I have no words…

And I’m about to make the ultimate sacrifice, because I understand better now.

I’m letting you go, and I’ll try my best not to hope for your return.
If you don’t come back, that means your treasure is yours again, and I
will be so happy for you. But if you do… No. You won’t…

I am the moon, I am the wind, I am the bright lights that you see when
you are on top of the world at night. I am at peace with myself, I hope
you are too.

I will be waiting, maybe for you, or for my heart to heal.

Maybe dreams don’t come true, but they are real. I’ve been to the top of the world overlooking the bright night lights. He took me to different places… Showed me a completely different world I never knew before. And it was beautiful.

But I had to wake up everytime.

"Eyes look your last… Arms take your last embrace…"

People don’t need their Sunshine all the time.

I hope you felt in my touch how much I didn’t want to let you go. Listened to my stiff voice how much I wanted to take back each word I said. And from my eyes… I hope you read how fragile i will be when I go through this without you.

Neverland does exist. I fell in love there.  Time
stopped when we soared through the clouds. The wrong thing seemed to be
the right one, and the forbidden intertwined with the hopes of forever.

And I smile at the memories… and force you out of my mind.
***

(secret nalang kung sino. haha)

(Verde Island pictures coming soon.)

First day of no responsibilities and I find myself hesitantly cleaning up the past year’s papers. I see media law cases, and decide to keep them. I throw away Film Theory’s handouts (one semester seems like one year ago) and I tuck J. Ariola’s essay on Arthurian legend inside my drawer. Half of our survey questionnaires from our thesis are happily shredded and thrown into the big plastic I labeled "BURN IMMEDIATELY."

Here’s to the people you swore you’d never get along with and suddenly become your best friends.

Here’s to professors who brought us down. We would never learn how to stand up.

Here’s to every fight we had over thesis, papers, projects…

To every tear, to every time we broke down.

Here’s to the fun times we had, the few moments when we didn’t care about deadlines. Here’s to Scuzzy, to Tapsi, To 1611, to Ron Bau’s house and my own.

Here’s to friendship, hypocrisy, victories and disappointments.

"Para sa lahat ng pinaghirapan natin."
…

P.S. Sorry for the drama, was listenning to Angels and Airwaves, The Adventure. Couldn’t help it. haha

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As usual, the island was a long-awaited escape from all the stress and drama the city offered. But of course, that meant waking up at 2:30 in the morning, and I was prepared. After begging my brother to take me to my cousins’ place, we all went inside the car, met with Ferdz (I hope I got the name right) whose folks own the resort we were going to, arrived at Batangas Pier by 6:20am, in time for the 6:30am departure (which was supposedly 5:45am. haha) and landed on the White Beach by around 8:00am.

I saw familiar people (especially the Barcode people who do glitter hennas) and I don’t know if it was the distance from civilization that we all acted like friends. (Most of them gay.) You got your usual foreigners, but my favorite were the HOT PERSIAN GUYS (Alexander? hehe)

And of course, it’s never complete without a night life. Beach music, company of family and cute guys, that was THE LIFE I forgot about.

Some Highlights:
1. Glitter Henna, as usual
2. Sun-bathing
3. Walking Going on an Expedition to the other side of the island

4. Stepping on poop. Barefoot.
5. Survival of my cellie after getting dipped in the sea
6. Transformation of the Birhen ng Puerto Galera (My sister!)

7. Ang Pagbabalik ni Jose (After quite some time)
8. Almost Finding Magic Mushrooms
9. Re-touching of Glitter Henna
10. Singin’ till we’re back in Manila!

*Much thanks to my dear sister for sponsoring me. Whee!*

And a bunch of other things.

There’s no need for wings.

Close your eyes, happy thoughts.

lots of pixie dust….

RASTA MAN.

what have i done?

gah.
_____________________________________

Isa pa isa pa!

I have no responsibilities. I fly when I want to, I play with the rain when I need to. I do not know what stress means. Nor deadlines, hassle, sickness, and pain.

My mind doesn’t stab my head when I get more than four hours of sleep. When I get 12 hours, my face becomes lustrous of bronze, and contentment.

My mind does not know how to worry, because it is not needed.

And ah, the heart? "The heart is only practical when it is breakable," says the Wizard of Oz.

You never really lost the capability to feel…

You just lost the ability to love… Me.

I knew one line could tick you off and make you disgust me completely.

And I made the stupid mistake of saying that I needed you.

Why can’t I just hate you?

When  you’re making me feel, with due respect, like sh*t…

There’s comfort in showers knowing that your eyes are not wet solely because of tears.

Yes, maybe nasakal nga kita. but after talking about it and meeting at gateway for the last time, you weren’t anymore. For three weeks you were living your life. Then you wanted to live for the world again.

But did I ever stop you?

Did I ever ask you to live for me in the first place?

All I wanted was for you to show me in your own way, that you constantly cared for me…

Kung gusto nga naman may magagawa talaga…

Go on then. Be free.

"No one can ever outsmart hurt/pain."

Whoever wrote Diane Keaton’s script must be kick arse.

I… am changed. I remember before, the moment I got hurt, I’d run away from pain, giving it a day’s sleep, and then do my own.. er.. sleeping… around. Finding false comfort in a stranger’s embrace… My mind ruled my body, and it knew how to block unwanted memories, unwelcomed feelings…

But I will have none of that anymore.

He did make me feel again… From the moment he showed me the wave… Until he let me drown…

I realized I am human… I accepted happiness just as I’m letting pain in…

He was my Life… I know I’m alive…